Contentment

A friend of mine asked me how I managed to feel contented spending my precious years raising my daughter alone. I candidly told her that the path to that is not easy. I had my share of confused times, in love with love actions and more. I guess what made me realize that I can survive without a man was when I started spending more time with my daughter. The perks of working from home. By the time I entered the workforce, we have already bonded and grew so close with each other.

The question now is until when will I find satisfaction? I'm wondering what will happen when my daughter is all grown up, married and with her own family? The goal now is to work, invest and retire gracefully so that I can travel and see the world as I wait for my life's sunset with or without someone.

Reading My Future

Just came from my "every 6 months Tarot Reading". There's really nothing new or special. I found her on the internet and was disappointed because I probably expected more. Anyways, it was strange when we started because she was telling more about her life. Now sharing is okay if we are in a casual conversation but not when I am paying you by the hour. Going back, instead of reading the cards in front of her and unveiling my past and present, she rambled on different things (her life including) and acted unsure with what was in front of her. I was very encouraging but for some reason, I wanted to run out and cancel.

Things became better though on the question and answer. However, I had a more thorough reading at the start of the year and was more satisfied with how that other reader answered my queries.

Here are portions of my reading:

ON LEAVING THE COUNTRY - Yup! It will happen next year. Around May of 2010. The one I had last January said it would happen around June. Close...

MY LIFE OUTSIDE THIS COUNTRY - Lonely planet. Homesick. But I will make money. Last January, she said the same thing except that she told me it's going to be a choice between happiness (which I will find in Manila) and Money which I will gain abroad.

MY LOVE LIFE - Annulment will happen xxxx%%%8888 long time from now. Enjoy what I have. Appreciate the things and the people who love me and matter to me like my daughter and my biological family. I will never learn to truly heal and move on because my husband will always insist on getting back with me. My heart says that I have been hurt and cannot go back.

MY CAREER NOW - Good Job! That's it? There's more but my lips are sealed.

MY DAUGHTER - Oh no. Gonna be preggy soon with the man she's dating...Gosh! Have to stop this. Oh but she also said it might be my fear that she's seeing which I believe more because she's the only one who read my daughter like that. In denial?! By the way, last January, my reader said that everything I want to happen with my daughter will happen.

FRIENDS - I so love them.

PERSONALITY AND THE PEOPLE AROUND ME - Intimidating bitch with a good heart. Victim of politics and by envious people. Law of karma will prevail. Yehey!

Sheew! This is so addicting. May be I'll try another one=))))

Jealousy

Sometimes I am thinking how this relationship will end. It's been three years and until now I do not believe it will have a happy ending. It's just so complicated. Now, I am blinded by jealousy with lots of insecurities going in my mind.

I am happier now. I feel blessed. But the relationship is all wrong. Does compatibility mean you can talk anything under the sun? What about the material factors like wealth, environment and clubs? Will I ever fit in?

Do I go back to the "high maintenance" image or settle with being little me? Is it such a major turn off to be simple and contented eating in hole in the wall restaurants instead of dining at Greenbelt? Will I go back into the height of hypocrisy?

So many questions. Lots of things in my mind. In the end according to this book, they marry their own kind. Poor little me. So when do I give my heart again? My everything. May be it's not really him. May be there is someone else who can make me feel secured and will not remind me that I am poor.

Yeah! I am being reminded of being poor. Thank God for a good college education my self esteem is totally not affected. But then, something is wrong. One day it will reveal itself and I will keep on praying that I will be ready for it.

1 or 2?

One is the wife. Two is the other woman, kabit to some; and girlfriends to those naughty husbands. Which would you choose?

Money

Wife - Gets the entire salary plus bonuses.
GF- Gets the other income like dividends and income from small business or "side line"

Attention

Wife - Does not get phone calls and text messages xx times a day; has an easy time asking permission to go out with her girlfriends
GF - Gets xx number of phone calls and text messages a day...just to say hi and ask what are you doing? Must explain herself well when asking permission to go out with girlfriends

Gifts

Wife - Gets cash as Christmas gift; the best jewelry and vacation
GF - on the first year, the best jewelry. On the second year, she gets crumbs

Vacation

Wife - Gets the best vacation with the kids complete with five star hotel accommodation
GF - Gets a lower valued out of town or out of the country vacation with two to three star hotel accommodation without shopping money

Restaurants

Wife - Takes her to high end restaurants
GF - On the first year, to high end restaurants, on the second year, often times to a hole in the wall restaurant; the high end is reserved for special occasions

In the end my dear, the wife is the mother of his children. You can play the part of his dutiful girlfriend but you will remain the girlfriend and not the wife.

So, is it number 1 or 2?

Codependency and Bo Sanchez

I just finished reading Bo Sanchez's How To Find Your One True Love and it hit me like a big wall. If I did not marry early and had the chance to read this, may be life is better now. It took me two years of separation to realize the "right" qualities of the next man I will marry. That is, if I decide to marry again. That is, if and only if I file for annulment and never really get back with the father of my daughter.

One thing that I learned was that I am a codependent and this contributed to the not so good behavior of my estranged husband. I am not making excuses for what he did. I am simply rationalizing things...again. Codependency is feeling responsible for the entire world but fails to lead and live your own life. In short, you know how to give but you do not know how to receive.

I remember that it has always felt good to give gifts and help people but when my turn came to ask help, I would squirm and, Good Lord, would even feel self pity, worse, insulted. Oh I just thought it's good 'ol pride but it's not. I remember giving everything I could afford and not afford to my family. I would pretend to understand why, even as a dentist, my husband brought home a measly Php 300.00 a month. In a way, I enjoyed the power I had over him. I was the driver and conductor at the same time. I could do anything I wanted and he did not have a voice in the family. True, I would complain from time to time, but will set aside all my hurt feelings of being the sole provider because secretly, I had this fear of not being the driver, the super hero and the star of the family. It was an image I built in the minds of my friends and relatives and did not want it to end.

So now, after reading the book, I found a name for it. Codependency. The reason why after all these years, I allowed my husband to use and treat me that way. Why I chose to buy for everyone but would be feeling guilty after providing for myself. Funny how I lost this guilt feeling when I left our conjugal home and enjoyed trips to the spa, salon and some shopping spree. Oh, I got to travel too. Somehow, I was trapped in a relationship and leaving the house spelled real freedom from my codependency.

Looking back how it started, I guess from home. My mom would always complain how she would do everything for us. And boy, she was not lying. Even now. She provided us with good clothes, food and education but totally neglected her material needs. Every time she would buy new clothes, she would just feel guilty and say that she should have paid a bill first before buying. By the way, we all share in the household bills so i don't really know what she was talking about.

She, my mom, loves it when my brother would depend on her for everything. I thought it was a case of old people holding on for fear of being left alone. It's not because she has been like that since I was born. That was the taking care I knew of and grew up with and worked against me.

I am not blaming anyone especially my mom. I am happy to get hold of that book and given the privilege to understand myself more. The road to healing becomes easier.

Used and Abused

When do you know when you are being used by a person? This is when he comes to you only in times he needs someone to help him. Two years of separation and here I am allowing the father of my daughter to use me, again.

When he was working and busy as hell, he found my phone calls irritating. I was made to feel a nuisance, the estranged wife who only wanted money. One day, I just gave up after hearing that he is not ready to change. Still enjoying the single life. To hell! I moved on with my life and focused on my charming daughter and career.

After quitting from his full time job, his back knocking on my doorstep asking for love and attention. Classic case of, "mahal lang ako pag may kailangan". Now I ask, "where are the girls?" Where are your so called friends whom you partied with till the wee hours of the morning? These friends could not help him in his quest to leave the country.

The ever stupid and loyal wife, that I am, yeah, hate the term, comes to the rescue to nourish and be of service. Many times I have said, you are one lucky man to marry someone like me. Someone deserves me more and I don't think it's him. God help me!

The Cycle In My Life

I was in a vicious mood. It's more than a month to go and I still had to come up with money for my daughter's debut party. I feel so frustrated, as in. It seems that I will be the only one shelling out money for it. I told the father of my daughter to pay half of the expense. It seems everything has fallen in to deaf ears. What pisses me is that majority of our guest list would be coming from his end. I had to stop myself from inviting my own relatives just to accommodate his family. What I get is the obligation to pay the full bill.

I don't want to break my daughter's heart. It's too much. I had to pay for the yearbook, several weeks of allowance just because he is the type who is unable to multitask. Damn! He is not working because he is fixing his papers for Canada. Now, how much time would a person need to accomplish that?

I could not take it anymore. Separation may have taught him a lesson but it's not enough to make him the responsible father he should be. Imagine, even his COE, I had to prepare and print for him. After a hard day's work, I am being given a task to do it. Hell! I'm like an unpaid secretary.

No money to pay his share for the party, what's next? No money to pay for his share of the tuition fee? Can I throw him out of the country, as in now?